Wednesday, 17 November 2010

To My Little Fighter

If you are joining me today for March of Dimes Fight for Preemies Day, welcome, and I look forward to reading many blogs today, celebrating the special tiny lives that have touched us.

Dear Joseph,

When we found out we were pregnant we were stunned, and delighted. I'd had lots of problems, which I'll tell you about when you are older, but I didn't think I would ever be blessed with a baby.

It was January 26 2009 when I saw you for the first time, just 12 weeks old, you were moving around all over the place, you were tiny, beautiful and perfect. I could see your spine, your arms, your legs, your head, I loved you so much and couldn't wait to meet you.

But, my darling, from 16 weeks I knew there was something wrong. I felt like I was trapped in some sort of movie, no one believed  me. I wonder if you heard me, wonder if you remember, that every day in the shower I would talk to you, put my hand on my belly and say "get ready to bail, my belly is turning into a pressure cooker, get ready to fight".

At 27 weeks, I was told you were to be delivered. I was scared. I talked to you. Do you remember? I am sure you heard me. I put my hand on my belly and I said to you "darling child, if its not your time, just go. Don't wait, don't hang on, if you need to leave to go to your home in heaven, you leave, we'll be ok your daddy and I." I felt you give me the most enormous kick I had ever felt. I am sure you were thinking "just shut up mother, I'm ready".

Two days after you were born, I was able to see you properly, I could walk a little, I wasn't as sick anymore, and I watched as the doctor examined you. You had a board on your hand to keep all the tubes in, they used them to feed you and give you medicine. You hit the doctor around the head! Hard! Startled, he took a step back and said "well, you have got a fighter there!"

I hope you don't remember this but on day 5 you got a very bad infection, they told me you might die. I was very scared, and I loved you so much more by then, if that was possible, I couldn't bear it. I spoke to you for an hour. I told you what the doctors were trying to do, and how you had to help the doctors put the line in, to show them the right way. They had to put a tube in your hand right down into your tummy. They had tried three times, but couldn't get it into you.

And on the fourth time, it went in. The doctor was amazed. I wasn't. I knew you were listening to me. I knew you could feel my love. And I think you loved me too.

As our time went on in the hospital, we talked more and more (ok I talked, you listened), we fought together, we laughed together, we sang together. When I was finally allowed to hold you kangaroo style, I felt whole again. I felt like your mummy.

It seems like a lifetime ago, and only yesterday. Well over a year has passed since you came home. You have grown in so many ways, you are strong, you are funny, and you are loving. I am so priveleged to be your mummy.

Most of all I am so proud of you for how strongly your fought in your time in hospital. You are a fighter, and now its my turn, to fight for preemies, so that mums like me can get their happy endings, or better still, never have to know the pain of having a baby born too soon, too small, too sick.

All my love

Mummy

6 comments:

  1. what a lovely letter to a lovely boy xxx

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  2. Tears roll down my face. That is simply beautiful!

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  3. I have to echo Cameron's thoughts. I don't even know you, but I know the road you traveled, this is what connects mothers of preemies.

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  4. Kylie:

    This is a beautiful post, full of hope and faith. On behalf of the March of Dimes- thanks so much for raising awareness of prematurity and for sharing your story. I’m so happy to hear that you and your baby are ok. At March of Dimes, we work hard every day to help moms have full-term pregnancies and research the problems that threaten the health of babies. Thanks so much for your support.

    Azalia Fernandez, March of Dimes

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  5. My twins were born at 24 weeks. I remember talking to them all through my pregnancy and every day in the NICU, all five months we were there. Thank you for sharing your story.

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