So Joseph's birthday was a while ago now, and this year it seems to have been better for me in terms of not dwelling on the past, and avoiding playing "the game" - this time two years ago.... Last year every day I was plagued by replaying key dates in hospital.
However, at the moment I am plagued by something else, related but not the same. I long to be pregnant again. There, I said it. Even sex seems pointless because I can't get pregnant. And its making me miserable.
We made the decision early on after Joseph's arrival that we wouldn't try for more babies. My husband decided to have a vasectomy, he didn't want me to have to go through any more upheaval in terms of hormones, having had a rough time after Joseph was born.
I've been reminiscing, almost without being conscious of it, about how it felt to pregnant. I felt my first outside movements at 24 weeks, lying on a mattress at my sister in laws house, early one morning, and felt my baby kick my hand. On that same holiday we went swimming at Bali Thermes in Germany, and I could feel the baby swirl and duck and dive as I swum. We called it "the flippy turny thing".
Early in the 26th week I bought a linen maternity dress, I never did find the strength to send it back. It sits in my wardrobe still, virtually unworn. A reminder I guess, that once, briefly, I was pregnant.
I feel guilty because I really hated being pregnant, in a way. I really wanted to enjoy it, but every day I felt frightened. I was sure there was something wrong. It felt perilous, I never felt that the baby was safe. And I so wish I had been wrong, but I was dead on. My baby, and myself, were in danger.
But it wasn't all bad. By around 23 weeks I started to enjoy it a bit more, and we had our two week holiday to Luxemburg and Germany, visiting family, swimming and eating icecream!
Even if we had decided to try again, chances are I would have had pre eclampsia again, and even if not, I would have had very rigorous monitoring, I'd be on methyldopa from the outset of pregnancy, and I would be on aspirin. It wouldn't be enjoyable, and it wouldn't be fair on Joseph, or myself or my poor husband who found the whole thing enormously stressful.
But I long for it, a deep psychological, even physiological longing.
And I can't stop crying. Which feels terribly self indulgent, because I have my baby, I am very very blessed and very lucky, but I still can't help the feelings. And does it feel better having written it down?
No. Not really. I just wish I knew how to feel better. How to stop it.
I could have written this post. But a few differences. My boy died after 30 days. He was delivered bang on 26 weeks. We went on to have the little one with no issues at all in pregnancy (she was nearly 2 weeks overdue!) and I took aspirin all through it. But I always wanted 2 kids and I've only got 1 even though I've had 2. I desperately want another. But it wouldn't be fair on my hubby and the little one as you say. I feel exactly the same way as you.
ReplyDeleteI'm really really hoping this feeling will pass because, right now it's overwhelmingly strong
My heart longs for you after reading that. Its amazing feeling love and pain and empathy and longing for a person youve never met because they have the ability to write so beautifully and share their inner most fears and thoughts so bravely. Thank you .
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