Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Seven Deadly Sins - Envy

Many moons ago Britmums had a Seven Deadly Sins blog prompt. At the time I was probably busy being Pollyanna and didn't make time to do a post, maybe I wasn't feeling it at the time. Who knows? But the time has come.

Envy.

Green with envy.

And its eating me up inside. When I was little I couldn't wait to be a mummy. My sister says I didn't play with my toys, I mothered them. I wanted to have my first child by 25 and be done with my 3 or 4 children by 30.

I didn't account for not being very good at pregnancy (or selecting male partners for that matter!). I had no idea that complications like miscarriage and then pre eclampsia would try to rob me of what I wanted most, to be a mummy. And don't worry, dear reader, I do count my blessings every single day for what I have, a perfect, healthy little boy. And yes, I do know that there are people out there who haven't got a baby at all, please don't make me feel any worse than I do.

But this envy is just eating me up from the inside out, and its awful. I don't know whether you've noticed, but there is a blogger baby boom at the moment. Gorgeous announcement photos and scan pictures appear everywhere. Joseph is asking every day for a baby.

I am genuinely happy for people when they fall pregnant, with number 2, 3, 4 or 5. But I can't help the little green monster voice "this is unfair, this should be you."

I feel like my life has been dictated to by pre eclampsia, by this evil shapeshifting illness. The pre eclampsia left me as soon as my baby was removed from me, but the ramifications remain long after the magnesium sulphate drip is removed.

All my body wants is to be pregnant again. Troublefree of course, with a lovely fat term baby at the end, who comes home with us. It's a fantasy that will never happen. But a fantasy that is reality for others, which strikes me as being utterly unfair. Why me? Why us? My husband puts a brave face on it, but he's feeling it too. We just want another child. Is that so very much to ask?

When I am not feeling sad and envious I try to use my time positively. I am knitting more and more, I have made a gold scarf, more than half a baby blanket and am just finishing a nice warm scarf for me, with more projects in the pipeline (stay tuned for knitting week!) I blog, and support others. I also do my work for Tommy's.

Because I am not alone. There are thousands of women being dictated too by pregnancy complications, who can't choose the family size they want, who haven't got a baby to hold at all.

Research is key, but so is support.

I guess I will always live with this envy, I doubt it will ever completely go away.

But I do wish it would.


5 comments:

  1. charlotte.cheshire1 September 2012 at 07:55

    We'd very much like another child, I always had a mental image of having two and yes, I do have a stepson so technically I have two, but it's not the same. I have no idea if we'll be able to have another, it took five years for me to get pregnant the first time and then after all the joy of that, was the terror of GBS, NICU and pelvic split. I want to be pregnant again yet I also don't know if I even have the courage or ability. I too envy those with straightforward journey's that end in the size family they want...but then I look at my precious miracle and think he's so much more special to me for being that miracle. I sometimes wonder if I would value him as much if he'd "just popped out"? Of course I would love him, that's a given, but would I look at him in quite the same way? I don't know. Maybe that tiny extra amount of thankfulness not for the trauma of our journey, but for the fact that he's still here when everyone believed he wouldn't be, can help ease the fear, envy and worry over the future. <>

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  2. I just had a long chat with a friend about this, she has a 7 year old and then suffered secondary infertility and endured 3 miscarriages and an ectopic. Why is it easy for some people and agony for others? I don't understand. Hugs to you xxx

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  3. I completely understand. You may think I'm being selfish as I already have three beautiful & healthy children, but I think everyone has a magic number in their head. How many children they want. I always secretly wanted 5. I secretly would love to go on and have a boy. But whilst getting pregnant seems to be instant for me, iv been told I could die if I got pregnant again as I had pre eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. I nearly died having my twins.

    I am worshipping every second with my three children and keeping an open mind to adoption in the future. I have a lot of love to give and there are tens of thousands of children out there with no parents at all.

    Big hugs and respect to you on writing this brave and honest post. x

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