Friday, 12 February 2016

Lent - Giving up Not Blogging

Oh my blog how I have missed you.

I've been going through a tough time since about September. I started to sense my citalopram had stopped working, I took time off work and begged for help from my GP who had just joined the practice and didn't know me. Sadly it took a hospital admission to get any form of help. They immediately took me off the citalopram that I had been on for two years which sent me into a bit of a tailspin.

A second admission has given me a bit more insight into what the hell is going on, but I am not totally well yet.

So it appears the PTSD has been resolved, that is the active part - the flashbacks and the nightmares. However many of the patterns remain, those that have built up since childhood. They are not calling it PTSD now. No one seems to know what it is, or if it is a "thing" or if it is just me. Personality disorders have been ruled out but traits seems to remain. Who knows.

What is clear is that I have periods of emotional distress. When I am very distressed I dissociate, no one has called it a disorder as yet, it's coping mechanism I learnt as a very young child. When very frightened I can choose to go outside my body. It's very odd to explain but I guess in a way it's what we are taught to do in meditation, to dissociate from the pain to be "with it" rather than "in it" I can just do it in a very fast and extreme way, but the real issue is it takes ages to get back "in" my body again, and that's when problems occur, I become visibly distressed and on this occasion, end up in a secure unit. Twice.

The upshot is, I have temporarily seemed to have lost my coping mechanisms and I am very emotional, which isn't like me. Normally I can choose when to express my emotions but at the moment I can't at all. Because I have discovered this dissociative disorder, I now no longer trust myself and my ability to cope appropriately.

It's not pleasant. So I am no longer working and am now on Employment Support Allowance whilst I try and get this sorted and back into employment again.

I have thought long and hard about whether blogging is "appropriate". Blogging has helped me in the past and it will help me now and if a future employer has an issue with the fact I have talked about my mental health online, I need to find another one. I am me, I am part and parcel of the things that have happened to me. I am strong, resilient and kind, and self kindness is where we start.

I need to blog to keep myself together so here I am!